midnight musings

I've known it for a month or so now.  I've fought it, denied it, repressed it, hated it, and ignored it.  But that's becoming harder and harder to do.

I can feel it within me, carving a place inside, making itself at home.  It makes me nauseous and tired, but I can't sleep.  It makes me angry, and it makes me ache.  Sometimes it feels like my entire insides are being consumed simultaneously, and I just want to crawl into a ball and give up on everything.

The denial comes back sometimes, and then I feel it rear up again, reminding me of its presence.  Sometimes it's down in my gut.  Sometimes it's in my chest, compressing my lungs and making it impossible to breathe.

I keep debating whether I should tell anyone, or if I should just see how it plays out.    It could just go away, after all.  Or so I've been deluding myself.  It could just fade into oblivion.  I could wake up one day and be all better.

I don't want it here.  I want it to just go away.  It'd be easier if I could just accept it, being content with the possible changes in my life, and move forward.  Move past it.  But I literally hate  it with every fiber of my being.  I'd do anything to just make it all go away and go back to how things were.  But I don't know how.

I don't want anything to change, but I'm terrified that if I tell you, it would.  I don't want you, or anyone, to treat me differently.  I hate the way this makes me feel.  If I could wish it away, I'd have done it back when I first found out.  I don't want anything to change.  I don't want the things I've talked about to become could-have-beens and impossibilities.  I don't want to have to abandon the things that make me me.  But I don't think it can just stay the same.  Not now.  Not anymore.  It kills me to say that.  But this is killing me anyway.

18.12.12  12:33 AM