It's easy to list off things you want in the future.  It's fun to fantasize about it.  A big house, a job I love that also pays well, a nice car, a puppy that will cuddle next to me.  Thoughts like this are a welcome escape from reality - a temporary distraction before life sets in again.  But when I start imagining my future, the things I think of are just that - things.  If i sit back and really picture my life ten or twenty years from now, I don't picture objects to purchase or jobs to perform.  The whole entity of the future becomes entirely abstract.

I want to be happy and healthy, and I want the people I love to be happy and healthy too.  I want to have people in my life that know me and love me for it.  People who would drop everything if I needed them.  People I'd instantly do the same for.  I want a place where I can unwind and let loose and finally just be myself.  I want to actually believe I deserve success.   I want to feel smarter than I do now, to finally shake the feeling that I'm a complete moron who is simply good at hiding it.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted by who I see.  I want to accept me.  That is what I want for myself.  The rest is just stuff.

18.1.12  1:00am

My couch smells like you right now.  I sat down to watch Firefly by myself, wishing you were here, and bam.  There you were.  It's a good smell - I told you you didn't stink - but it makes me miss you....it makes me want you to be here still.  You, sitting here, watching one of my favorite shows.  Me, glancing over every once in a while to see if you were genuinely enjoying yourself or just placating me.  Me, wishing and hoping you'd stop being quite so interested in the TV and just turn and grab me already.  But you didn't.  We sat so close, but not touching.  Never touching.

And now, when I breathe, it's almost like you're here again.

11:39pm 4/1/12