Here’s the thing. I’ve always been billed as smart. I’ve made good grades, been able to apply recently-acquired skills, explain things to others, juggle multiple things at once, blah blah blah. It’s just who I am… it’s a part of me that I don’t really think about. When people have commented on my intelligence in any way, I’ve shrugged it off, smiled, and said that I really don’t see it. And that’s about as honest as I can be. It’s not false modesty. Or just modesty. I genuinely don’t see it. I’m sure that’s some balance between seeing myself as ‘normal’ because I’m the only me I have to compare to, and having my lack of intelligence constantly reinforced as I grew up. I feel grossly inferior to those around me frequently, and I have little faith in my own abilities.
Yet at the same time, I find myself in grad school, bored out of mind and not learning anything. I’m not reading for class. I’m not prepping for quizzes. I’m waiting til the last minute to write papers. I’m not challenged, and I hate it. I feel like I’m wasting my time. And I realize, as I think about it, that I think I’m being lazy and disengaged because it’s the only way I’ve found to add a slight level of complexity to what I’m doing. I can’t get myself to care other than when I absolutely have to. And then I work simply out of necessity. It’s incredibly frustrating. I hate feeling like I’m not learning. I love learning, but I think I hate school. And somehow my screwed-up brain processes this as my being stupid. Shut up, brain.
I don’t want the people I care about to feel ever that they are inferior to me, and I definitely never want them to think that I think that. Because I don’t. The people I’ve kept in my life are there for a reason, and they all bring something into my life that means a lot to me. I don’t ever see myself as superior to the people I care about. They’re my peers. My friends. Knowing that I’ve ever made someone feel that way hurts me deeply and makes me feel like I’ve failed them. For someone who is supposedly smart, I really am an idiot. Or maybe just a really bad friend.
I know I’ll figure it all out eventually, and as much as I hate where I am right now and want to throw in the towel, I don’t think I’ll actually do it. I’ll just keep skating by and trying not to let it eat away at me, until I reach a point where it doesn’t anymore.
22.2.13 9:50am
