She knew then.

This is an old piece, but one I rediscovered going through my folder of random scribblings today. I hope you like it; feedback is always appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~

She sat, legs across his lap, arm around his neck, and stared at his face. His downward-glancing eyes. His grim expression, struggling to contain the misery he felt inside. She would have done anything to take away his pain or to distract his mind for just a moment. She didn’t know how to fix it. Hell, she wasn’t even sure what was wrong. So she sat and waited.

Moments drug out like hours as she waited for him to speak. To open up. To let her in and finally take advantage of all her offers of help. She wanted to fix everything, or at least be there to listen. To help him think things through. It was the least she could do, after all he had done for her.

She felt his arms wrap around her waist, pulling her closer. His eyes still fixed on a spot below.

Sitting was driving her crazy. She wanted to do…something. But that obviously was not what he needed. When she simply could not sit still any longer, she moved the hand draped around his neck and pushed his hair out of his eyes. His beautiful eyes, that served as direct access to his innermost secrets. Eyes she could get lost in for hours. Eyes that, if she could only get him to look up, might give her the slightest idea of what thoughts were rushing through his brain. She ran her fingers through his hair a few more times before letting her hand return to his chest.

0.142857143

Ci sono tante cose che vorrei dirti. Ma non posso parlarle, e non so perché.

I don't know how to say what I feel. Not to him. 6 days out of 7, I'm just fine. Dandy even. But that one day...I just can't help but wonder if I am wasting my time...like he'll never see how much I care. He'll never care about how much I care. He'll never feel the same. 6/7ths of the time, I am perfectly content being a friend. That other 1/7th reminds me of how much I could let myself fall. I'm better than I was. 1/7th I can deal with. I just wish I knew if it was time to totally put it behind me. I know he's not in the same place I am -- I've come to terms with that -- and I don't want to be that girl who sits around forever and nothing ever happens. But I don't want to totally give up either. That damned "someday" hangs over my head like my own personal storm cloud.

Just another day.

Let me be clear. I don't like Valentine's Day. I don't like it when I'm single. I didn't like it when I have been in relationships. It's stupid. If you love me, show it. If you want to buy me something to show you care, or make a sweet gesture, do it when I cross your mind. Not because stores are selling roses or cards. Not because commercials are constantly suggesting present ideas. Just because. Having an entire day set aside for me to anxiously await a material representation of your feelings, and vice versa? No thanks. Gifts aren't gifts if they're expected. So skip the flowers and chocolate. A night curled up on the couch together is better anyway.

This isn't a new stance - some defense mechanism to protect myself from exaggerated and unfulfilled hopes. I've felt like this for years, both single and with someone. So why, when my feelings on the subject are clear and unwavering, does this day still make me feel like crap? Dammit.

It's just another day.

2.14.11 10:16am

What Comes Next? I'm Sure I Don't Want To Know.

I'm a mess. I feel lost, hopeless, helpless, and out of control. And bloody exhausted. I cannot escape it. If I knew how, I would. In order to explain, let us back up a few days.

(Sunday)
As of Sunday night, I am no longer in contact with someone who has been a part of my life for years. While I will defend my reasons from here to eternity, it is definitely going to take time to adjust. I keep finding myself saving links for him, or wanting to relate stories, only to pause and go, "Oh wait...never mind". I'm not saying it can't be fixed, but I don't see it changing anytime soon.

(Monday)