I hate that we aren't talking right now.  Like, it actively, physically hurts me.  I have all these things that I want to tell you, and normally I know you would care about, but you don't care and you don't want to hear them and it hurts.  Last night, for instance, I went to a G&E party for an indie film and met all of these amazing film people.  We laughed, we drank, we bonded over stupid things.  You would have loved it.  The stories they told, and the people they knew!  It was so much fun, and all I wanted to do was to tell you about it.  But I can't.

I get that I put you in a bad situation, and that I said something I shouldn't have.  I understand that what I let slip hurt people.  I can see why you need time to cope with it and that there is a level of trust that was broken.  I can't express how sorry I am in words.  I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all you.  I'm still not sure how any of it reached the level of intensity that it did.  I hate that we can't talk about it and try to figure things out.  I hate imagining that you glare or roll your eyes when you see my name or that you would actively avoid me.  We've been each other's best friends for so long, and it scares me to think that that could be over.  I don't really know what to do with myself.

I want to be able to tell you the stupid things that happen throughout the day - the people I overhear, the random thoughts that pop into my head.  I want to be able to ask you random questions as they pop up into my head.  I hate having to suppress that urge, to go against my initial reaction of just asking things and telling you what is on my mind.  I know that it will take time to get back to normal, but I hate this period right now where I can't say anything or do anything.  You told me to wait, and I'm trying as hard as I can.  It just hurts like hell in the interim.

It's easy to blame me, and in some ways, I guess it makes sense.  I should've had your back better than I did.  I was watching everything play out and I felt entirely helpless to the situation.  But ultimately, I didn't do this.  I didn't make it happen, I didn't plan or scheme it.  I was trying to be a friend and somehow, this time, it wasn't enough.  I've never not been there for you, in whatever way you needed, and that won't ever change.  I wish there was a way that I could make you see that.

I sincerely hope I didn't completely ruin everything.  I hope that some day you can see that I wasn't trying to be malicious, and I wasn't trying to be stupid.  One thing came out of my mouth, and before I knew it, it had completely exploded in my face.  It was out of my hands and I had no control over anything anymore.  I couldn't stop it, I couldn't control it, and, worst of all, I couldn't even tell you because you weren't speaking to me.  I'm so, so, so sorry.

I just really miss my best friend, and I want him back.