Facets

I wrote the following passage at a time where I was struggling to understand what I wanted and how I felt. I’ve come a long way from the mental state I was in when I wrote it, and a lot of the progress came from physically listing everything I was feeling – sorting it out in a physical way is infinitely easier than attempting to muddle through it all in my brain. If nothing else, I feel like it is a fascinating way to visualize how my brain processes difficult concepts. After writing, and talking through everything with a few close friends, I reached a place where I was no longer pulled in 100 different directions. And now I’m slowly approaching my own internal resolution. So here I document how I felt, as a reminder of who I was, who I want to be, and how I thought through a disheartening situation.

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It has become increasingly clear to me in the past few days just how many facets of me I am balancing. My ability to compartmentalize has always been there, and I think it’s helped me significantly in the past, but sometimes I think it just bites me in the ass. This is me, trying to elucidate how the hell my brain works. And while I may be writing here about my various reactions on one specific topic, I actually do this for pretty much anything that causes me to stress out. Let’s see how many facets we can find. Shall we?



1) The friend & confidante– I know you’re going through a hard time and feel like no one cares. But that’s not true. I care. And I’m here to listen and help in any way I can. Any time, day or night. This goes for all my friends. I’m here because I only want to help. I can keep your secrets. I can relate. The situations are different, but we both know that life sucks sometimes. Knowing you are hurting hurts me.
2) The therapist – Professionally trained to help people reason through their problems and seek the deeper causes. I want to help you figure out what’s wrong and find a solution. I have 100 leading questions at the ready, but something tells me you’re not ready for that yet.
3) The bitter woman – How dare you come to me to lament your problems while simultaneously telling me that I’m part of it. Did you hope that my supportive, caring side would win out? Well, I guess it did. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get to be a little angry too. I want to scream at you. I want to tell you that you’re absolutely right. You’re a jackass and I wish you would disappear. If you were here, I would slap you. Fuck you. Good luck finding someone else.
…… And yet as much as I think it, I don’t actually mean it. I still don’t think you’re a bad guy. Which leads us to….
4) The hurt girl – I get it. I like you. You don’t like me. You like someone else. I don’t know why I ever thought you’d like me in the first place. I’m a fool. I’m an idiot. A stupid little girl. Of course you don’t like me. What’s to like? But then again, why not? Was I too nice? Too willing to talk? Too open? Too accessible? Too willing to show my faults? Should I have been less easy to please? Less agreeable? More of a bitch? Was I too much of a friend from the start, so I got relegated to sidekick from the get-go? And how is it fair to me that, knowing how I feel, I still get screwed with? It hurts.
5) The martyr – This hurts. It sucks. I’ll move on, it’s just going to take time. It might be better for me to just walk away, to say goodbye – for now or forever – but I can’t. I don’t think goodbye is what you need, and the thought of consciously leaving you in a bad position would kill me. Which, in turn, would make walking away bad for me too. And so, here I stay, ready to deal with my own issues in a way that will royally suck, so that I can be here when if you decide you need someone to lean on. Don’t worry about me. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.
6) The devil’s advocate (My friends have a love/hate relationship with this part of me. It makes it infinitely easy for me to debate either side of pretty much anything. But when I debate with myself, I feel like I always lose.) – You know how you feel. But think about it from his side, Amber. If you say this, how will that make him feel? What will he think? You may see and feel what you do, but take that extra second to think about it from the other side. Yep, that side makes sense too. Now where does that leave us? Oh right. Going in freaking circles.
7) The logical one (this one likes to give lectures) – It makes more sense to be single anyway. What were you thinking? You don’t even know where you’ll be next year. How could you possibly be ready to be in a relationship again? Sure, you thought he was interested. But you know better than to let emotions overrule logic. When has that ever ended well for you? Stupid girl. I’ve taught you better than that.

And then they all meld together, and I get this:

I feel like I’ve been misled. I feel like the way you chose to tell me was cowardly, but at the same time, I was happy to finally know the truth. It hurts to read what you wrote and be reminded that the things I had hoped were about me were in fact not related to me at all. Maybe you sent me your writing because that’s the best way you have to be honest. I get that. I’m doing it right now. That doesn’t make it sting less. I’m sure you had no idea how much I was taking it to heart (or maybe you did, as you read what I have written over the last couple of months. In which case, you should’ve told me sooner…saved me the time). It’s my own fault that I thought it might actually be about me. I can’t fault you for what my own head created. Damn emotions getting in the way of my internal logic.

This is me, being honest. I’d hope this leads to a conversation, to a response. But, since I’ve apparently been a minor player in all of this, I guess I don’t really expect anything. Talking…is not your strong suit. You try, I’ll give you that. But you don’t make it easy. Perhaps this is the hurt girl in me, convinced she doesn’t deserve it. So that’s where I am. I’m all over the place. I’m everywhere and nowhere. I know what I’m going to do, and yet I’m still lost. I’m still not sure that it’s the absolute right decision, but I’m not going anywhere. I can’t. I’m more concerned about you than I am about myself. It’ll take time, but I know I’ll be okay. I’m not sure about you yet, and that worries me. I can’t turn my back on someone who might need me, especially someone who I truly do value as a friend. I’m not wired that way. And so, I’m here, unless you tell me to leave. I care. Probably too much. Do you deserve it? Maybe not. But that doesn’t change my decision.

1:43pm 11.15.10