Already gone.

“Will you wait?” His eyes, pleading for my answer, shone gold in the bright July sun.

“Of course I will.” I smiled my most sincere smile and stood on my toes to kiss his cheek. I don’t know why I said it. I knew it was a lie before it left my lips. Maybe I wanted it to be true – to believe I was the kind of person who could wait for him – or maybe I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than leaving already would. Regardless of the reason, I did lie. I had no intent to become one of those women, sitting at home, waiting for a phone call and dreading a knock on the door. It didn’t make sense. Why should my life be put on hold because he was leaving for a while? His life was continuing on, and so would mine. We’d have to see who he had become when he came home.

I must’ve been quiet for too long; he subtly cleared his throat to bring me back to reality. He knew better than to ask where I had disappeared to. I’d like to think that he understood that he wouldn’t like the thoughts going through my mind. Or maybe he thought he knew me well enough that he didn’t need to ask.

I looked into his eyes with my best longing stare, kissed him fully, and then let his arms envelop me as I whispered, “You’ve got to go.” He gave me one last squeeze, resting his cheek on my head, and then let me go.

He looked heartbroken as he walked away from me. All I felt was relief. I loved him, yes, but that didn’t seem like enough. Not enough to sit around for months or years. He’d move on. Probably before he even got home. I’m just getting a head-start on the moving – hypothetically, of course. It’s not like I had a guy or three lined up at home. I was just being honest about what would inevitably happen in the future.

He was on the plane, probably trying to look excited about this new beginning, but internally terrified. I turned and walked away before he took off. Why watch the plane leave when, to me, he was already gone?


1:03pm  25.6.09