I'm too drained to relocate to my bed, so I suppose I'll just stay here curled up in my chair a while longer.  It's been a long couple of days.  I've been burned - literally and figuratively - and I've traveled a few thousand miles.  I've napped and relaxed, thought and talked, peeled and began piecing myself back together.  I'm exhausted.

I'm not sure you understand why I'm mad at you.  I'm not even sure you realize that I still am.  Now you know.

I get how you feel.  Doesn't mean I have to like it, but it's how you feel and I respect it.  But if that's how you feel, why would you have even asked me what you did?  Did you really think I'd be okay with just going down on you and then pretending nothing happened?  I mean...you do know me. Come on.  If you knew that nothing else would happen - which you clearly did - you should never have asked.  How little do you think of me if you thought it was okay to ask that of me?  These aren't rhetorical, by the way.  I want fucking answers.  You don't like me - fine.  You're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last.  But you don't have the right to fuck with my head.  To lead me on.  To use me and then just go back to normal.  And if you don't think you did that....sorry to break it to you.  What did you expect me to say when you asked what I wanted in return?  Seriously, I want to know.  If you thought I'd just blow you and move on, you are a moron.  A selfish asshole (your words), but also a moron.  Who the hell asks that of a friend when things are supposed to be platonic?  I guess it was only supposed to be more when you wanted to...screw my needs. Or not, as it turns out.

I think I slept three hours on Saturday night.  I was angry, hurt, disgusted.  I felt dirty and utterly alone.  Thank God I had the wherewithal to ask the right questions before I did something I'd have regretted.  Something that probably would've ultimately ruined the genuine friendship we've built.  A friendship I cherish and would miss terribly.

I hated you right then.

I know you were unaware, so let me fill you in on a little secret.  I missed the first period of your second game because I couldn't hold it all in anymore.  I went and called a friend so I could cry and let my jumble of emotions start to unwind.  Because, of course, my first reaction was "What about me is so horrific and disgusting?  What can I not see that makes it okay to treat me this way?".  So I could hear a familiar voice and feel a little less alone.  So I vented and cussed and cried on the phone, outside a hockey rink, 800 miles from home.  And when you were done, you acted like nothing had happened.  The drive home, I wanted to be as far from you as possible.  I couldn't look at you.  I calculated how much I could afford to spend on a hotel and a car to get to the airport.  I felt so stupid, so naive, so tricked and unwanted.

You had caught on that something was wrong by that point.  Later, you said something to me and your mom said 'What?'.  Do you remember your response?  I do.  You said, "I was talking to my better half.". Better. Half.  Half of what, pray tell.  I fought the urge to roll my eyes and scoff.

I'm home how, in my own space.  I can isolate myself and process everything.  And I've adjusted to the idea that you will never want to be more than my friend.  It happened surprisingly quickly, and it was kind of a relief, to be honest.  I felt more relaxed around you on Monday than I think I ever have.  Not so much on Sunday, because I just wanted to escape or hurt you.  I believe there was a flamethrower involved at one point, aimed at your dick.  The thing that's hard to move past though are the little snippets of past daydreams that pop up out of the blue.  I haven't figured out how to turn them off yet.  I guess it only happens with time.

And ultimately, I think we'll be okay.  That doesn't mean I'm okay with how you treated me (or expected to be able to treat me).  I'm not...I'm still hurt and pissed and disgusted.  Yet I value you and our friendship.  We'll see what the future holds...we've talked about plans that I am truly excited to see come to fruition.  Just remember this.  Our friendship does not give you free reign to fuck with my head.


3:10am  4.4.12