I feel confused. Lonely. Broken. I feel lost inside my own mind. Trapped in a labyrinth I created, with no Ariadne to show me the way out. I feel doomed to wander in my own mind, prey to my own demons, hopelessly alone. But I don't want to be alone. No. For the first time in a long time, I don't see myself being happy alone. Like I'm missing something I didn't even know I should have.
I was raised to believe that emotions are for the weak. Stoicism was the way to survive and any emotion at all branded you a coward. To escape that has been a very special hell. I thought I had left that place behind back in high school. Back when I was crazy. It wasn't until very recently that I realized how much of it was still intact. Except, I don't think of emotions as betraying me anymore. I see myself finally wanting to have someone I can show my weaknesses to. Someone who will wipe the tears from my eyes or hold me when I just don't feel right. I want to be allowed to show all of the layers of myself without feeling guilty for doing so. But I'm also terrified that the right person will never come along. I've always been quite content being single. And don't misunderstand - I'm not chomping at the bit to date for the hell of it. I just wish there was a way to know that someday I might not feel so alone anymore.
My dad let me down. In teaching me that emotions are weaknesses, he took away my own ability to cope with situations. More than that, he deprived me of seeing how real men - mature, grown-up men - behave. How they handle themselves when emotion can't be suppressed. The small gestures of love and joy that men obviously experience...I have no idea how to handle them. I literally forget that guys feel them too. The nervousness and self-doubt that comes with a new crush. The fear of rejection and constant what-ifs. The endless analyses of recent conversations. The thoughts of them that consume the mind. Or, on the total opposite end of the spectrum, the gut-wrenching, heart-crushing pain of loss. Of past love. The all-consuming questions of what could've been done differently. I've felt these things - to some extent - and I associate these emotional reactions with my own sex. I have to constantly remind myself that we are not the only ones who feel this way. I shouldn't have to remind myself of though. I should've grown up watching some semblance of emotion cross my dad's face. At least sometimes. But no. He let me down. He's supposed to be my protector. Preparing me to handle men and to take care of myself. Instead, he did his best to make me a soulless automaton who sees the entire opposite sex the same way. It's wrong. It hurts to know that I've been failed on such a fundamental level. And it pisses me off.
Thank God I have some amazing men in my life. Men who have trusted me with their secrets. With their emotions. With their hopes, fears, and dreams. Men who have taught me that at the core, we are all the same. We all want the same things, have the same doubts, and go through the same emotions. Men that will some day make amazing fathers and who will show their children that it's okay to feel sad, hurt, or lonely sometimes. That it's okay to show someone that you care. To show them that you love them. I've realized that I may feel broken, lost, and confused, but at least I feel something. Finally, I'm comfortable letting myself just...feel.
2:05am 9.29.10
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