"Don't waste your time applying to med school.  You won't get in anyway."
"Well, it's not like you'll actually graduate."
"No one will love you if you have scars on you."
"Depression isn't real.  It's all made up in your head, so just get over it."

This is how I grew up.  I can't say this is how I was raised, because I don't believe my father raised me.  He was around to point out my flaws, come up with chores that needed to be done, and make me feel useless.  Unfortunately, he was very good at it.

I've come a long way from where I was mentally when I lived at home.  Thank God, or I probably wouldn't be here today.  But his snide remarks still hurt.  I play them over and over in my mind, wanting so badly to prove him wrong, to prove to myself that I am more than he has ever given me credit for.  Yes, I deal with him better now, but he still affects me.  I have this unshakable feeling that I'm too stupid to be successful, too useless to be loved, to unworthy of anything good that may happen.

I deal - though not always well - but what kills me is seeing his effect on my brothers.  Those two beautiful, brilliant boys that I would do anything for.  That I gave up my childhood for.  That I care about more than I even knew was possible.  The fact that I have to deprogram them from shit my father has planted in their heads.  To convince them that they are good people who are talented and intelligent.  To remind them that life does get better with time and that I'm always there for them.  It seems like I get a call from at least one of them weekly, where they're so worked up all they can say is "I hate him" repeatedly.

I can't stand how he treated me, but I hate seeing the effect he has on them.  All they wanted was the support of their dad - to know he was proud - and they were forced to learn far too young that some people are never happy and to seek support elsewhere.  I thank God I can be there for them.  I only wish I had someone similar when i was young.  Maybe then I'd have a little bit more faith in myself.  Maybe then I'd feel a little less worthless.

3:08pm  8.10.11