You showed up in my dream again last night. I guess your appearance makes sense, given the last few days, but it still comes as a shock to me when it happens.
In the dream, you were just the way I remember you, and yet somehow different - the way I'd expect you've changed over the years. Everything felt familiar, comfortable, as it did so long ago. You used your oh-so-witty dry humor to pick on me. You used the fact that I found you irresistible to get away with it. You helped me when I needed it, somehow always astounding me with the concern you had for me. As always, just when I thought I knew what you were going to do or say, you surprised me. It's one of the things I liked the most. You were crazy, in all the best ways. You weren't perfect; I had moments in which you infuriated me. And yet that made you that mean so much more to me.
When my brothers came in the room, they ran over to say hi to you. They adored you. They wanted to tell you about the things they had done, and you would sit and listen, talk to them like peers, and play with them. So instinctually, you connected with the two people who have always meant the most to me. Watching you with them made me realize how lucky I was to have you all in my life. I wanted to join, but I didn't want to interrupt. It made me love you even more.
For all the times that you drove me crazy, that I wanted to walk away, it was the moments like this that showed me you were worth it, come what may. You and I just...worked. I spent a significant portion of my dream just watching you and the boys, and I couldn't get the smile off of my face. And that's what it came down to, for me. No matter what was going on in our lives, you could make me smile. When we were together, you were one of three people who could do that. The other two were the little boys that you were always so good with.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, genuinely happy for the first time in a while. And then I remembered that it was just a dream - that those days are gone and we won't have them again - and the smile faded. I dragged myself out of bed and went on with my day, the dream forgotten amongst test preparation and normal morning chores. It wasn't until the morning slowed down that I could sit and consider. I know you'll never see this. Our lives have changed in innumerable ways in the years that have passed. But somehow, you still pop up in my mind sometimes. You still make me smile. And it makes me miss you all over again, even if only for a moment.
10:27am 26.10.11
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