It's bad, and I'm guilty of doing it a lot, and it makes situations and ideas exponentially more painful and complicated. But since I have little else to do right now, I struggle to avoid getting stuck in my thoughts, thinking and assessing until I can't see straight and every thoughts makes me want to cry.
And so, I cried a lot yesterday. I couldn't shut off my brain, and I hadn't slept, and I couldn't find the words to explain how I felt - or why - to anyone. Yesterday was miserable and I quite literally wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I leaned on my family and friends a lot more than I have in years, probably. They were all great. Some of their advice and ideas I agreed with. Some of it, not so much. But frankly, just being able to get some things out of my head and hear them aloud helped tremendously.
Today has been significantly better. No tears, the weather is in the 60s and rainy (aka I'm in heaven), and I went for a 2.5 mile run today. The rain, the clean air, feeling the pounding in my chest and my soles hitting the pavement...it was wonderfully freeing and helped me clear my mind. Now I just need to shake this headache - no doubt brought on by the fact that I haven't eaten a meal in 36 hours. Oops.
So where do I stand now? Well, I'm getting there. I think it boils down to a couple (a few? We'll see how it goes) things.
My initial reaction was jealousy. This girl can make my best friend happy in ways that I can't, but I want to be able to. And that brought up a lot of deep-seated fears of 'what is fundamentally wrong with me? What can't I give him that she can? Why do I get the emotional side of him, get to see his hope and fears, but am not good enough for the rest of him?' A lot of insecurity came out at once. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.
The next thing was fear of change. He has someone that means something to him - something different that what I mean to him. And because of that, I feel like there are things we would have come to each other about immediately, that now he'll go to her for. And, is it okay for someone else's boyfriend to be the person I go to for everything? I'm not sure.
He told me explicitly that if she ever has an issue with my and his friendship, she can either deal or hit the road. I just hope that's true. I'm living in a city where I know absolutely no one - not a soul - and I felt like my primary support system was being lost. I felt utterly isolated yesterday.
He says the bigger plan hasn't changed. He still wants to move up here in December, and he refuses to do a long-distance relationship. She knows this. But that could all change. He could decide to stay, or she could decide to move too. Not sure what I'd do then. But it's easy to say it's over in December now. The emotions aren't fully invested yet. And there are a plethora of things that could happen to derail the plan. I'm trying not to think about them.
I guess I was thrown because he hadn't met anyone worth getting serious with in the 2 years he'd been home, and yet 4-5 months from when he's supposed to leave, he's starting to date. I don't get the point of starting something that - at least now - has a deadline. So close to when he's supposed to leave, and here we are.
To be entirely honest, the thought of her touching him, and of him touching her, makes me nauseous. Maybe because I assumed, after what happened literally the last night we were in the same room, that no one would touch him until I got my hands on him again. Oh...the complexities of hooking up with your best friend.
So yeah. Jealousy, and fear, and loneliness, and uncertainty. But no tears. Not today. Not anymore.
Che sarà, sarà.
Now that I have a better grasp on myself, I'm almost ready to talk to him again.
4:39pm 9.8.12
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