Sunday Morning Ruminations

You know, there are a lot of things that I don't understand in this world.  Racism, for one.  Sexism, homophobia, why our government can't get their shit together…all on the list.  There's one thing in particular, though, that is on my mind right now.  If you are doing something that makes you feel miserable - particularly, if it makes you feel bad about yourself - why do you continue to do it?

We've all been put in situations where we had to choose between the lesser of two evils, and we find a way to justify our decisions, to cope with the outcome.  But when you find yourself continually doing something that you feel bad about…something that you know is wrong and you are having problems coming to terms with it…stop doing it.  And for the love of God, if it involves lying to other people, that's just another reason to stop.  Lies beget lies, and add to confusion, frustration, distrust, and anger.  It's just a disaster waiting to blow up in your face.

I am writing from personal experience, indirectly.  The person who inspired this will know, but I'm not going to go into details out of respect for said person. I think/hope I can explain my own confusion without giving away any details…

A person has to be able to live with their decisions.  We can't escape them, most of the time, and God knows we remember the stupid shit we do better than we remember the positives in our lives.  So if we consciously decide to continue doing something stupid, or something we know is probably not right, we have to find a way to justify it.  And when we can't justify it, we develop a disconnect between our actions and how we feel about ourselves.  The action may make us feel good, or feel loved, or feel worthwhile, but internally we are tearing ourselves apart because we know that we aren't doing what is 'right'.

Now, I could go into a whole rant about who defines 'right' and 'wrong', and I would probably completely annihiliate most social norms in the process, but frankly it's not worth the time or energy.  Let's just assume that there is some sort of common ground as to what is 'right'.  For example, cheating on your taxes, cheating on your significant other, killing somone…all probably 'wrong'.  Being honest when you fuck up, trying to avoid harming other people, paying back your student loans, probably 'right'.  Ok, got that out of the way.

So.  When we do something contrary to what we believe is 'right', it generally leaves us feeling not so great about ourselves.  Sometimes we can justify the action if it only happens once.  But when it happens repeatedly, the disconnect between what is 'right' and what we want to do continues to grow, and spread, and it eventually manifests into a fabulously overwhelming self-loathing.  We hate what we are doing, but we don't/can't/won't stop doing it.

This is what I don't understand.  If I hate myself for doing something, I'm pretty likely to say "Hey, Amber, stop being a moron and you'll feel better".  I hate the overwhelming feeling of hating myself for something I've done.  It is only made worse when the action is continued, and situations only get worse when ignored or built upon over time.

I can hear you saying "Amber, Amber, Amber, not everyone will start to hate themselves and feel miserable when they do things that aren't right.  You can't just assume that, just because you feel that way."  This, reader, is where you would be wrong.  The people who don't feel some level of guilt - that will grow into hatred - when they continually do something that goes against their fundamental moral principles, well, there's a term for them.  Sociopaths.

What I'm describing here isn't some hullabaloo I just made up so I could sound smart or moral.  It's basic psychological theory, derived from countless research and case studies, and only reaffirmed as time has passed.  When your outer/physical/momentary needs are not congruent with your internal/emotional/long-term needs (in this case, when your beliefs about how you should behave are being entirely thrown under the bus by your actions), you breed your own neuroses.  Ignoring this - or even worse, accepting it - is what causes self-loathing.  The only way to reestablish some personal peace is to find that congruency again.

So if you're doing something that makes you feel like a horrible human being, you should probably, ya know, stop.  The people who are willing to accept self-loathing are literally feeding into their own neuroses, developing their own psychopathologies.  Even if the action they are doing makes them feel slightly better, the hatred of the self will eventually win out.  And if you're doing something you know is 'wrong', and it makes you hate yourself, and you decide to continue doing it anyway because you don't mind the self-loathing…that's a whole  'nother topic I could go into.  Perhaps at a later date.

Maybe this makes more sense to me because I've studied the psychological theory behind it.  Maybe it's just because I'm weird and approach things differently from other people.  Maybe it's because I actively avoid making decisions nowadays that I know I will not be able to live with.  Who knows.  It just shows to me how much I really don't understand why some people do what they do.  Why is it ever a good idea to do something that you know - KNOW - is going to make you miserable?  Any momentary happiness will be overran by the lingering misery later on.  It's just not worth it.  Not to me at least.

9.12.12  10:25am