The hollowest of aches

The world seemed to darken, the walls closing in.  She felt the air being sucked out of her, life leaving her body.  Her chest hurt, some combination of a shredding sensation combined with the hollowest of aches.  She was sitting in her car, practically folded in half, head resting on the steering wheel as she gasped for air.  Her head felt fuzzy, like she was in a dream-state.  Or inside a nightmare.  She was crying hysterically – that started before she was even out of the office and inside her car – and the tears continued to roll down her cheeks, creating twin puddles on her jeans.  She was trying to think, to comprehend, what she had just heard, but no coherent thoughts existed amidst the panic that had taken over her head.  She couldn’t grasp what he had said well enough to even begin to come to terms with it.  Not yet.  And certainly not for a while.  

She heard her phone ring, an all-too-cheery ditty that made her feel a little nauseous.  The sound pulled her back to reality just enough to glance at the caller ID.  Through the blur of tears and haze from oxygen deprivation, she could just barely make out the name.  Mike.  Her Mike.  Future husband, father of her kids, Mike.  Ex-future father of her kids.  That was all it took for the full-on hysteria to start again.  She dropped the phone, resumed the previous position, and felt her mind fog up again.  

After what seemed like an hour, when the tears had stopped and her throat felt raspy, she sat up.  It made her dizzy, the sudden blood rush, and she had to hold herself steady for a moment.  She glanced at her phone and realized that he had called back 7 times while she had been in the car.  Apparently she was so gone she hadn’t even heard the phone ring again.  Confident the panic attack was over for now, she picked up the phone again.  She was so glad he had not come with her to the doctor today.  She needed to hear the news on her own.  To deny, feel angry, and grieve on her own.  It would all start over again once he knew, but she needed to have some sort of control over herself before she passed the news along.  She took a deep breath, hearing the rattling that he would pick up on immediately, and dialed the phone.  He picked up on the first ring.  Before he could utter a syllable, she said, “I’m on my way.  I have something I need to tell you.”  She hung up before the tears could start again.

1:59am   2.3.10