Foolish Dreams

She read the words for what seemed like the hundredth time. So honest, so sincere. She could see how she might have been the inspiration. But she didn't know how much of that was her projecting how she felt into his words. It was written about someone, that much he had said. Any why couldn't they be about her? She wanted them to be. To have some sign that her feelings were being reciprocated, even a little bit.



If they weren't about her, she would feel foolish. So much time wasted reading the lines, analyzing their meaning, daydreaming about them both finally being honest with each other. Her finally saying that his 'hello' brightened her day. No, if the words he had written had another target, she'd be embarrassed that she let herself fall so deeply into the land of what-ifs and could-be's. It would be her own fault. She let herself get carried away by what she wanted to read, rather than seeing what was probably right in front of her. Those hints, his confession, directed toward someone more worthy.

But she didn't know. Part of her swore that the text on the screen couldn't possibly be about her. Because someone seeing such...brightness...inside of her was ludicrous. But another part of her held onto the fantasy that maybe someone finally had. She wanted to know so that she could stop the endless debate in her head. So she could stop analyzing every line and imagine he was reading it aloud to her. So she could move forward, or move on, depending on the result. Knowing that she was not the intended target would force her to confront just how far she had let her imagination run. How much she was able to convince herself of. It wouldn't be fun to move past, but she would do it. Yes, she wanted to know, whatever the result. But she didn't want things to change between them or to make him feel like he owed her anything, because he didn't. She was ready to accept that it was all in her head - she all but expected that to be the outcome. She feared that her honesty, her own emotions, would scare him off. Freak him out. Drive him away. That was absolutely the last thing she wanted. If a friend was all he would ever be, she could be content with that.

She read through the words yet again, wanting to believe that she wasn't simply overwhelmed by her own emotions and stuck in her own delusions. She wanted to know, but she would never ask.

3:03pm 10.12.10