0.142857143

Ci sono tante cose che vorrei dirti. Ma non posso parlarle, e non so perché.

I don't know how to say what I feel. Not to him. 6 days out of 7, I'm just fine. Dandy even. But that one day...I just can't help but wonder if I am wasting my time...like he'll never see how much I care. He'll never care about how much I care. He'll never feel the same. 6/7ths of the time, I am perfectly content being a friend. That other 1/7th reminds me of how much I could let myself fall. I'm better than I was. 1/7th I can deal with. I just wish I knew if it was time to totally put it behind me. I know he's not in the same place I am -- I've come to terms with that -- and I don't want to be that girl who sits around forever and nothing ever happens. But I don't want to totally give up either. That damned "someday" hangs over my head like my own personal storm cloud.



Does he realize that those times I said I was only a flight away, I meant that I'd go to him? I'd do that for any of my friends. But I'm not sure I ever made that clear. If he said the word, I'd find a way to make it work. Sometimes I feel like I miss him and want to see him more than he would want to see me. If he mentioned me coming there, I would consider it...even if it never came to fruition, it would be a tiny sign that he wanted to look into my eyes again, even if it wasn't as much as I wanted to look into his. I feel like we could be great together...someday. When life has calmed down. When we both find some sense of normal in our lives. When our futures seem more clear. If we are ever in the same city again. But he left -- he had his reasons -- and I am here with my overly analytical mind creating a world of what-ifs and could-have-beens. It's maddening. And maybe I'm romanticizing something that would have never worked. Maybe he was never interested in the first place. But maybe...

Only time will tell. Only I can find a way to articulate what I truly feel...or not. Only he can point me in the right direction or continue to ignore it entirely. I'm willing to wait until he is ready to move on...to move past the past, if that ever happens. I just wish I had an inkling.

As he has said to me so many times, "Patience, young grasshopper."

Obviously, I am writing this on the damn seventh day.

2:36am 2.27.11