What Comes Next? I'm Sure I Don't Want To Know.

I'm a mess. I feel lost, hopeless, helpless, and out of control. And bloody exhausted. I cannot escape it. If I knew how, I would. In order to explain, let us back up a few days.

(Sunday)
As of Sunday night, I am no longer in contact with someone who has been a part of my life for years. While I will defend my reasons from here to eternity, it is definitely going to take time to adjust. I keep finding myself saving links for him, or wanting to relate stories, only to pause and go, "Oh wait...never mind". I'm not saying it can't be fixed, but I don't see it changing anytime soon.

(Monday)



I'm not being honest with someone I promised (and I promised myself) that I would always be honest with. I pride myself on honesty, brutal as it may be sometimes. I just don't know how to talk about this. And I don't know how to accurately say how I feel. Or how much of it is just in my head. I'm currently operating under the premise that I should just accept what happened at face value and move on...but it's not sitting well. Time will tell, though time passing will only make it harder to bring up.

So these things have been on my mind. So much so that I slept a grand total of 2 hours last night, knowing I had a 3 hour lab at 8am and a test today. Not pleasant.

(Tuesday)
I do what I need to do, sleep-deprivation be damned. I come home to rest before my night class, and my mom calls, crying. The biopsy I forced her to get came back positive for basal cell. I knew this, having seen the lesion, which is why I sent her to the doctor in the first place. But having the diagnosis sucks. And I know that basal cell is easily treatable and has an excellent prognosis, but still. That's my mom, crying, telling me the news.

This comes 3 weeks after getting the exact same news from her about a lesion on my dad's face. I'm more affected by the call today, but I don't know why. I can't tell if it's because it's my mom, or the crying, or because dad never bothered to tell me himself - mom did - or maybe it's just because I'm having the same bad conversation all over again. Or maybe it's because my dad's concern is limited to "You were supposed to take care of me while I recovered and now you're having to have a lesion removed too?". Yep, that's definitely part of it. What a prick.

I've been going through mini panic attacks all evening. I know how basal cell treatment works, but my knowledge isn't assuaging the worrisome daughter that I am.

So I've had a week from hell. And it's Tuesday (well, Wednesday now). A friendship damaged on Sunday. Dishonesty leading to a moral dilemma on Monday. Cancer on Tuesday. I don't want to know what Wednesday will bring.

Can I just sleep until next week, pretty please?


12.06am 2.9.11